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I havent decided what this journal entry is about. But iapos;m just going to write and try to keep it all in a line in my head. Iapos;ve been concerned lately because it seems like iapos;m not interesting to myself anymore. So i canapos;t possibly project some kind of awesomeness on the phone towards James. And iapos;ve never been so scared to lose someone before. Ever. I mean, maybe i have been but i just canapos;t remember it because iapos;m a forgive and forget kind of person. Unless i dont forgive. Or that person was a total douche. I dont know. But either way, i just feel like a super failure. And what adds to the fact is that the other night, James and i were discussing stuff and he told me that he was probably going to end up breaking my heart.

i fucking hate it when people say stuff like that. Its like, "oh hi, yeah, donapos;t bother loving me anymore, iapos;ll probably just dump you eventually". You know what that does to someone like me?

iapos;m not as tough as i seem. Its all this big charade, and sometimes saying stuff like that really really makes me check out, emotionally speaking. And its all in some grand effort not to let my heart break.

even though heapos;s worth every heartache. I just dont know how it would techinically be possible to express that to him. Sometimes i just donapos;t know how to tell him.

and what the hell is up with me and long distance relationships. I have no problem with them, the guys are trustworthy, thank god. But why am i always in one? iapos;m half scared that this relationship could go down a side road and end up very Ruben and I. And what the hell... Why is there such terrible reputations with long distance relationships? why is it automatically deduced that someone in a long distance relationship will automatically stray. Or lose interest? that happens in normal relationships too.... Right?

i dont know. Iapos;m probably being paranoid.

however, iapos;m going to sleep because the room is spinning and i feel really really light headed, which iapos;m guessing is not good.

thank goodness i totally memorized this stupid keyboard in 7th grade. <3

-rooooooly
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